I promised myself when starting this blog that I would be honest with myself, even when I want to put a happy spin on things and this will be my first of I am sure, many difficult posts to make.
What can I say? I had this picture that everything was getting better and then it hit, the storm. This weekend has left me tired, emotional, upset, disappointed, sad, and full of questions. This past week was wonderful for us, our sons anti-anxiety medication made him branch out like we have never seen. We were excited to see him so out-going even if his behavior was odd. The Asperger’s had introduced itself to us with little warning but we were working with it.
Then it happened. It was as if in a flash everything changed. This weekend has been horrible. There, I said it. It has left me so upset and disappointed that I haven’t slept and am on edge. My son, who just last week was being more loving than I had ever seen him, is now mouthing off, saying mean things like he doesn’t care how it makes me feel. He flat out called me a liar, and has been hitting his sister. I cannot even begin to explain how the past two days have gone, but I can assure you it has been very upsetting for everyone. I knew this was coming, but was praying that it didn't, the medication has leveled out and now the we are seeing what Aspergers really means.
My heart is aching, more for my son than anyone else, what is his life going to be like? Will he have friends? A partner in life? For the first time, I am scared for my son. I am fearful of the challenges that lie ahead of him.
I love my son more than anything, he is my light in this dark world. I am so angry that he will face challenges for the rest of his life. I would give anything make it better for him.
I have been praying more than ever for the ability to handle this situation with grace. This morning at church, I just cried. I know there is reason for my sons Aspergers, I just wish that I had the ability to see and understand it. I can feel God speaking to my heart, telling me to calm down, or take a deep breath at times and I do my best to obey but it is so hard when your heart is aching and you don't understand.
I feel so defeated right now, but I know that better days lie ahead for my family. They have to.... because my God is good.
Thank you to those who sent emails offering support. Some of you I have never met, but I will say that you are near to my heart. To have strangers offering such compassion is nothing short of a blessing.
To those who are uneducated about Aspergers or the Spectrum I ask that you take 5 minutes out of your day to do some reading. That child throwing a fit in the store, or refusing to eat at the restaurant because it is too loud, or the child who at 7 constantly has his hands or his shirt in his mouth, just might be on the spectrum and are not just "brats" that need punishment. I was one of those moms that looked at parents with "out of control" children and rolled my eyes. I wish someone would have encouraged me to get educated before passing judgment.
Goodnight my friends.
“I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13)